Do you ever have that experience where you dread seeing a particular person in your life?–that person you feel worn out and empty after spending time with them? Do you avoid texts/calls from that person? Do you feel bad about yourself after interactions with this person? If you said “yes” to any of these questions, this could be a toxic person.
What do we do after identifying a toxic person in our lives? Well, the answer can be tricky. Sometimes, the person we feel is toxic is part of our workplace, our friend group, or even our family. These situations can make it more difficult to cut these people out completely. What becomes very important when dealing with toxic people is our boundary function.
Boundaries are a healthy way to both take care of ourselves and maintain relationships that are good for us and the other person. Boundaries are the limits for behaviour and emotions (from ourselves and the other person) we feel are appropriate or comfortable given the current state of a relationship. These boundaries may shift over time and can change when trust is built or broken. For example, when we first get to know someone, we may be more cautious about what we share with them. However, as we get to know them and feel they are trustworthy, we may choose to share more of ourselves.
If someone is toxic to us, we need to shift our boundaries in order to maintain our own mental health. How do we do this? Here are four tips:
Shifting Our Boundaries to Maintain Our Own Mental Health:
- First, we must become aware of what we’re comfortable with and what we are not comfortable with in the relationship. In order to do this, we must tune into the signals that let us know when our boundaries have been crossed. Perhaps you feel this emotionally in that you find yourself agitated or irritable. Or perhaps you’re angry or you feel sad. You may also feel a boundary has been crossed through physical symptoms such as muscle tension or a heaviness in your abdomen or chest. Begin to pay attention to what your signals are.
- Next, you may choose to alert the other person as to what your boundaries are. For example, you may not appreciate unsolicited advice or someone else’s enthusiasm for debate. By letting them know what your limits are, you may be able to find a better sense of equilibrium in the relationship. Ideally you could communicate this verbally (see more information on assertiveness here) or, sometimes less effectively and efficiently, through your actions or choices.
- When someone continually crosses your boundaries (and especially if you have informed the person about your boundaries), you may make the decision to change the relationship. For example, you may choose to end a romantic relationship or stop putting effort into a friendship. You might also make other decisions that could protect your boundaries (especially for some of those relationships where you are going to see the person whether you want to or not). For example, you may choose to be polite to the other person but not share information that is personal or emotional in nature. You might turn down invitations for get-togethers where you might have more one-on-one interaction with this person. Alternatively, you may consider speaking to someone who knows you well about the situation and brainstorm ways to protect your boundaries in an appropriate way.
- Give yourself permission to set and maintain boundaries. We sometimes get the message that in close relationships, you should not have boundaries – that we should be a completely open book with another person. However, one cannot engage in and build a healthy relationship if we deny ourselves the ability to determine what we are comfortable with and what we would prefer not to do. Be honest with yourself and with the people you are in a relationship with about who you are, what you need, and how you might lift each other up.
If this was interesting to you, you might like this lovely short video by researcher and author Brene Brown on Boundaries, Empathy and Compassion: