When we are Everything to Everyone Else (and we Ignore Ourselves)

• Do you feel pulled in a million different directions?
• Do you find yourself saying “yes” when you really mean “I really don’t want to”?
• Are you completely exhausted by the end of the day?
• Do you constantly crave time to yourself or time away?
• Do you feel resentful towards people in your life for having unrealistic expectations of you?
• Do you feel pressure to DO MORE or BE BETTER at balancing multiple demands?

If you answered “yes” to any of these, you may be experiencing multiple role strain.



Throughout our lives (and especially in adulthood), we take on more than one role. We are a son, a daughter, an employee/employer, a parent, a sibling, a citizen, a friend, a lover, a partner/spouse, a homeowner, etc.  At times, balancing the responsibilities for each of these roles can overwhelm the amount of time and energy we have to manage it all. We can become very focused on meeting the expectations of other sand ourselves in these roles and forget to care for ourselves (or put our own needs at the end of the to-do list). 


The result can be: 


So what do we do about this?

One of my favourite metaphors for life balance comes from the instructions you receive before an airplane takes off. In these instructions, we are told that if the oxygen masks come down from the ceiling, we need to put one on ourselves before putting one on someone who may need assistance (e.g. a child). Why do they tell us to do this? Because if we did not have proper oxygen, we may pass out before we can help the person who needs assistance!

How does this apply to multiple role strain?

The general idea is that before you can meet the needs and expectations of others, you must first meet your own. If you do not prioritize yourself, over time you will wear out and then not be able to give of yourself in the ways you want to (e.g. focus at work, be kind to your friends, guide your children, and care for aging parents).



How do we start the process of caring for ourselves? One place to start is to assess areas in your life where you have unmet needs or are feeling particularly unsatisfied. Perhaps you are someone whom everyone comes to for support but are unsure whom you feel comfortable confiding in. Maybe you are missing physical affection or a fulfilling job. Perhaps you would like to be more active or have fewer commitments.



Next, and just as important, we need to focus on what we have in our life (or have had in our life) that allows us the opportunity to re-energize and make sure we make time for it! This might mean signing up for that yoga class you’ve always wanted to do, and attending it. Maybe it means committing to a date night with your spouse or discussing career goals with your supervisor.



Finally, it may be useful to look for areas in which we need some support. This could mean delegating tasks at work or home, feeling more comfortable saying “no”, or building relationships with people who will make us feel supported and cared for. None of these are particularly easy, but in the long run they may make day-to-day life more manageable and fulfilling. If we can focus and enjoy what we’re doing rather than dreading it and feeling worn out, our quality of life will benefit.